I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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