smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
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You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
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