after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
