so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
