Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
