My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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