it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
