Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
