shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
