I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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