When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
