You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
