I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
