now i know why i became what i already was.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
