Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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