Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
