So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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