Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
