new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
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Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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