the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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