At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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