remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
