I will die if light touches me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
