Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
