I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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