Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
