The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
