Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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