Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
