dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
