one might say we're banned from that church
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
