Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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