He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
