My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
