I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently you make a good broom.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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