did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
