i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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