we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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