mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
