when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
