So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
