rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
