He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
even my farts smell like vagina
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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