he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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