id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
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