This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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