chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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