There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
