i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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