im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
