I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
