I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
