Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
