look no pants
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
