dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
