I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
