are you so shy because you have an std?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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