my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
