For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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