I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize