last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
